Week 2: Community and Accountability

If you talk to a resident's spouse, a word that's bound to come up at some point is "lonely." Residency can be a loneliness-inducing time of life. This is often compounded by the fact that your spouse automatically has a community of his or her peers in the residency program. Even if your spouse and his or her colleagues don't have much in common outside of work, they will have work to talk about! And your spouse will be spending a lot of time with them. 

Who will YOU be spending your time with?

I am of the opinion that marriages do not work well in a vacuum. As much as your marriage needs you and your spouse to pour in time, commitment, forgiveness, and love, your marriage needs community. Community holds you accountable. Community asks the hard questions: How are you loving your spouse well this week? What are you struggling with? How can my experiences help you through this time in your marriage? How can your experiences help me in my relationship?

Finding community in residency can be difficult. Most people go to residency in different location than medical school or their hometown. It can feel like starting over after you just fought for the four years of medical school to form a group of friends. It can feel futile -- "We're only going to be here for the X number of years of residency. I can't imagine building new friendships just to lose them again." But it is crucially important for your marriage and your self.

Ways to build community in residency:

• Decide with your spouse what activities you will do together on his or her days off. At least some of these should be community-oriented activities. It can be tempting to just cocoon yourselves into your own little two-person marital unit. I would implore you to not always do so. Maybe you will attend church together every Sunday your spouse is available. Maybe you will partake in an shared interest activity such as a local hiking group or trivia night with local friends. Maybe you will have that couple next door over for dinner. 
• Get to know your fellow residency spouses. If you are fortunate enough to be part of a program where the other residents are married, this is a great resource for community. What makes it even better is that these folks will completely understand your unique situation. This may entail you being the instigator of relationships.
• If you are an MS4 spouse, start looking for community now, before you even move to your new location. Find the Facebook group for your spouse's residency program. If it doesn't exist, consider starting one! 
• Use social media as a supplement to in-person community. While I'd love to say that the "Residency-Proof" Your Marriage Facebook group and other social media platforms will fulfill your need for human connection, that's just not the case. Do I believe social media has a place in the residency marriage journey? Absolutely. The internet allows us to reach far more people with our questions and suggestions and can widen the scope of people who "get it." Just don't let the internet become your only escape into community.

Some general advice for building a strong community quickly: Be intentional about your relationships. Be the one who asks the hard questions of others. Ask your community to hold you accountable in your marriage. Initiate get-togethers, group dinners, playdates with the kids. Host at your house. Invite people over for dinner. You don't get community by closing your heart. 

What are some ways you will seek out community during residency?

Lara McElderry, from the podcast Married to Doctors, has developed a workbook aimed at physician spouse loneliness. I have not personally used the workbook yet, but I'm continually impressed with her resources and the time and effort she puts in to supporting physician spouses. 

Read a blog post about building friendships in new places: https://marriedtodoctors.com/building-friendships-wherever-go/ 

Her Facebook group is here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/MarriedToDoctors/

Get the workbook from her website here: https://mailchi.mp/05411b39c35a/loneliness

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